Stayin' inside the lines

This morning on my way to work I thought about a coloring book we put together in the first grade. It was “My Book Of Famous People.” Ok….the only thing I can think is that my life was flashing before my eyes. Which adds up, since right after that, traffic totally stopped and I almost bought the car in front of me (and the car behind me ended up beside me on the shoulder).

Two things trace back to that damn coloring book (which I still have somewhere…packed away and never unpacked, move after move).

There is a picture I colored of Miss Shirley Temple. I apparently chose to outline her teeth with a black crayon.

The teacher’s comment was “MARK, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER TEETH?!!!!!”

Firstly, now I see why, to this day, I HATE when people use multiple exclamation marks. It’s just rude. Period. My last boss always wrote messages on post-it notes and put multi exclamation marks. I wanted to cram them right up his…..

Secondly, I don’t color outside the lines. I stay inside the lines…..and play it safe. And yet choose to use a black crayon. What’s that about? I don’t know…maybe to emphasis that I am inside the lines. Or maybe to say “Screw You, I’m inside the lines….whatchagonnadobitch?”

To answer the teacher’s question, “MARK, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER TEETH?!!!!!”

My guess would be she didn’t brush the damn things.

(and to think...it only took me 33 years to think that one up)

Yesterday I was filling out a little survery --- which, in all honesty, I live my life to do. It asked about overused phrases. I realized that all I use is overused phrases. I'm like a Chatty Cathy doll, I only know 5 phrases and use them over and over throughout the day. Only, it's more like a Potty Mouth Patty doll.

Potty Mouth Patty's phrases consist of:
whatchagonnadobitch
I'm not impressed
You wanna know what the f*ck about that (recently pulled from the archives)
booty check
ok, am I on crack or ....
and then there is....
shut the f*ck up (usually under my breath, while at work...and you have to get a full lip curl on the "f")
and, for those times when "I'm not impressed" just doesn't do the trick, there is THE stare that says SO much more (and could win a stare off, hands down).

So, if one of those is not an appropriate response (or, sometimes even when it is inappropriate), then it's likely I won't respond to you.

I realize Potty Mouth Patty seriously needs her mouth washed out with soap. I need to start carrying a bar of Dial on me.

I'm friendly....dammit....

I'm friendly dammit...just misunderstood.

Ok. I pass a coworker today and say "HEY." Totally ignored. I ask her where another coworker is. Totally ignored again. Raising my voice "I SAID HELLOOO." Finally, it registers.

What is wrong with this picture? (I aks her) You have a "smiley face" and I don't.....but I am SOOO totally friendlier than you.

I'm friendly people, dammit.

Having to raise my voice to be heard makes me think of my childhood. I was raised in a house of women (except for my dad, of course...but he wasn't there too often), and a house of loud German and/or half-German women none the less. LOUD peeps. So, I was used to being talked over.

I am accused of being too quiet. Maybe the rest of the world is just too damn loud. :)

I ain't stupid.....many a time I have seen how my one sister's really big mouth has gotten her into trouble. Silence is golden...it keeps your ass outta trouble.

Now, whenever my coworker passes, she says (real loud and overexaggerated like) "HI MARK."

I'm not impressed.