fingernail alert

I HATE I-35! If there are any hold ups, you might as well grab your sack lunch, pull into the median and have a picnic...cuz you ain't a goin' no where. Ok...and the people that ignore the big red X on the sign over their lane, and the lane closed signs...and speed past--- Would Karma not dictate that they get stuck in the closed lane? People who think they're entitled suck.

I had to get my oil changed at lunch. I HATE going anywhere mechanics are. I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel inadequate, less manly, or whatever. Well, I thought it would be without incident. But as I drove away, I saw something on the passenger seat....looked like a little goosedown feather. I picked it up. IT WAS A FINGERNAIL. Not the whole fingernail, just a clipping (but a big clipping...they need to clip more often). I was so gagged. I still shudder thinking about it. I don't know if they, like, clipped their fingernails/toenails while they were in there, or if it came off the vacuum hose...and was out of some other person's car (which is a whole other issue). Ok, not that it matters, but two of the guys were cute (one kinda goth cute) and the other---not so much.

When the non-goth cute guy was checking me out (at the cash register...not up-and-down) I noticed he was missing a whole fingernail (the only one that didn't have oil up under it) I know it's not his fault....but still. It just bugs me. And it reminds me of a friend of a friend (a friend once removed?) who I went boating with. Her toenails looked like cornflakes. Ok, I know it is a medical condition, and that being said, it is just EVIL to laugh about it.

The jeans I have on today have flip and button pockets in the back. My billfold won't fit, so I have to carry it around like a little purse. It makes me want to sachet when I walk. (just trying to create a visual)

I was helping my dad with something last night. Something came up about the year 1988. He said, "I remember it like it was yesterday." I said, "I do too....problem is I can't remember yesterday." What is that about? Is it stress? Am I alone in this? I think all the preservatives and chemicals in everything kills our brain cells.

On that happy note....

My, don't you look nice today!

I'm trying to be extra nice today, and be a blessing to all around me! So I am telling everyone "my, don't you look nice today." (like Eddie Haskell) I'm just having to be careful and catch them on the way to the bathroom or something, I don't want them to overhear me telling other people the same thing....and make them feel less special.

What's up with people IM'ing you and asking "what are you wearing?" Geez. Even if I concentrated really hard and focused on south-of-the-border, the thought of someone sitting at their computer in undies, or less, doesn't do a dern thing for me.

This morning I looked out of the shower just long enough to see my b/f with my rotary clippers shoved up his nose trimming nose hairs. I USE THESE TO TRIM MY UPPER LIP! If my facial hair gets to close around my mouth, I mess with it all day long, making Jim Carey faces. But Lord knows what else has been in my mustache, and I didn't even know it. Gag. I'm glad I don't have to kiss me.

I have this ritual (that's a much nicer word than some) that when I come out of the bathroom at work, I check my zipper again. I do it inside the bathroom also. I don't know why I perform this ritual again when I come out the door. Well, today I come face to face with someone....and where is my hand.... How embarrassing.
I have four colognes I just LOVE....Ralph Lauren Romance Silver, Estee Lauder Pleasures, Estee Lauder Beyond Paradise, and Christian dior Fahrenheit. Today I borrowed one to wear...Joop Jump. It ain't right. It smells like a cigar shop. If I still wore contacts, they would be burning (that's how I used to gage what colognes I liked, the ones that didn't give me a pounding headache and teary,red eyes). I'm ready to go and wash it off with handtowels in the bathroom. I don't know if I can smell this all day.

All the colognes I wear are men's. (thank you very little....now, undies is a different story...j/k, silky feeling stuff grosses me out, just like pruney fingers do) It's funny, all the lesbians I know wear men's cologne, but none of the gay men wear perfumes. What's that about? Everytime I have a new cologne on, the lady beside me wants to run out and get her girlfriend the same cologne. I just find that interesting. Hmmmm.

I had just about decided to get a haircut. I thought growing it out would make me look younger. I've had an epipheny: It doesn't. Problem: the guy up here that is always copying me just got his cut, and I will NOT copy him. It would throw off the entire balance in the world. I do like the way the back kinda is curly and flips up, but that is SOOO last season (last season of Queer Eye, that is). Last night I put a twist-tie in the top ofmy hair (believe me...that's not weird for me) like a little bow. I was called Bam-Bam. Ok, I don't like to nit-pick (ok, that's a gross word....is that like monkeys picking nits--fleas?), but would that not be Pebbles, not Bam Bam? Just like the time my ex-boyfriend said he had eyebrows like Ernie.....well, actually, Ernie has no eyebrows, but Bert has a uni-brow. Am I the only one that checks the facts before I make statements?) Anyway....I hate decisions.

Ok, my mom just almost freaked me out. She forward me one of those emails where you fill out questions "20 things about me" I was thinking , "ok, I do NOT want to know these things about you, mother." Not a problem, she forwarded it completely blank with no answers. Sad part is....I am her son, and would SO do that also. I have a blonde soul.

Into the Deep End....

Ok...I'm fixin' to go off the deep end....but don't worry, I'll drift back up to the shallow...

Last night I went to one of my kid's football games. He did really good. He was like tight end, or running back, or wide receiver, or...oh, hell, I don't know. Whoever runs along the outside edge during offense. (ok, I just emailed my ex-wife to ask what role he played-----we make out much better emailing because if we talk, we both end up thinking the other has a "tone" in their voice-----anywho, she said the "role" was wide receiver----so I did pretty good).

As I sat there amongst all the other parents, I got that same old feeling I have sadly enough grown accustomed to. I don't fit in anymore. I used to be a Stepford Husband....now I am an outsider.
I don't want to stare at the other father's butts....and yet it is just too painful to look at most of the women---those hairstyles!! One of them looked like Teenwolf (part I, not II). So, I don't stare at people, I just watch the game (what a concept!) Ok, out in Aledo, you have Old School and New School. Old School are the folks that have been out there forever, or moved out there to truly enjoy the country. New School are the Professionals that FW finally said, "you're too damn snooty, get the f*** outta town! East, West...we don't care!!"....the ones that want to move to the country, and then destroy it because it doesn't have enough amenities. Old School show up to their kid's sports games in shorts, T's and flipflops. New School show up in black leather mini skirts, stilleto's and dangly earrings. Even though I was raised out there, and should be able to stake claim.....I feel I am making the transformation from Old School to New School. Make it STOP!

Anyway....what's weird is, I don't fit in with my "old" life and yet don't really fit in with my "new" one either. I feel like I am always in a transitional period...in a state of flux. Which stresses me (kinda like when Julia Robert's husband on Sleeping With the Enemy saw that the veggie cans were messed up)....I like things all tidy and tied with a little pink bow. I used to at least fit in where ever I went...even, say, the local Walmart (this is National Rag on Walmart Week). Now, I am like "ok, the locals are blocking the aisle, what are we going to do now? Push through them? eewwww!"

So....there I am feeling like little boy lost.....when the 3rd quarter comes along. The cheerleaders (7th graders....so they are not to that HORRIBLE teenage girl stage quite just yet) are on break. For some odd reason (there are lots of odd reasons in my life) they choose to sit all around me in the stands. So it is me....in a sea of cheerleaders. I felt like I was sitting on the school bus. Why Me? Why Here? Why Now? (isn't that a line from Titanic....just add "Rose" at the first of each question) Well, during the 4th quarter, the irritation subsides, and the sorrow sets back in.

Like an Alanis Morrisette song....Now I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am

On the way out I stopped at the concession stand and got a diet coke. Their machine was screwed up and put too much syrup in, so it was extra sweet. Don't you LOVE it when that happens? So, it wasn't all bad.

All Over the Place

Ok, Naomi Campbell had this to say about the way cokehead Kate Moss is being treated:

"Kate Moss is my friend ... I think it's like everybody is being bad to her"

KATE GOOD. PEOPLE BAD. Are they sure the quote came from Naomi and not her 2 year old child? Besides, Naomi....girl!....I didn't hear Kate taking up for you, "....every now and again people just need to be womped upside the head with a telephone."....ok, translation into supermodel dialogue "Naomi Good. People Bad." In summary.....WTF ?

Today at lunch I was behind this girl that was bustin' a move in her purple Ford Focus. Girl was gettin' down (or else a bee had just flown in her car). So, seeing the K104.5 sticker on the back of the Focus....I decided to take a little look-see at what was happenin' on down the radio dial. Well, I must admit. She was good. She hip'd when it was hip'n time....and she hop'd when it was hop'n time. She must have not liked the next song though....she waved her hand once and didn't bustanother move. I normally would have been bust'n it with her...but my hands were full. Of Mega m&m's. After my traumatic trip to Walmart yesterday, when I nearly lost my precious, precious life (ok, ok.... bruised my precious, precious right hand) in the parking lot... Mega m&m's were my comfort food. Now, I am used to eating my nuts in a protective candy shell, so I KNOW....these MEGA m&m's were no bigger than usual. Mega my ass. Bull puck! Total misrep! Of course I bought the bag that's about the size of a body pillow. I ate 1/3 of them at lunch yesterday....then when I awoke from the sugar-coma, I ate another 1/3 on the way home (they were all soft from being in the car all afternoon.....like the little girl's gummy bears on Ferris Bueller). Then I didn't feel so good. I moaned through my cardio workout up at the gym. Not only was I regurging the m&m's, but I was beside someone that was smellin' good'n'ripe....with the fan blowing it my way ( coochie ) It was more than anyone should be asked to take. Where was the Disinfectant Cloud I was in a couple of days ago?

I wish I could get the panic button disconnected on my car remote. The only use it serves is to make me look even more stupid than I normally do. I'm always setting it off. And....for some reason (mental block), I always pop the trunk open when I am getting gas. They should put the gas cap release and trunk buttons on opposite sides of the car or something. The little pictures on each just don't seem to work for me.
Once I was sitting in the Taco Hell drive-through in a rental car. I didn't even know it had a trunk release button....and accidentally hit it. I thought the car behind me hit me. I was like "Oh NO she di'unt!"....then I hit it again, and thought the other car was ramming me. I was ready to get out and have a throw-down....but as I was opening the door, I hit the button again and realized what a dumbass I am.

Tonight I gots to shave my sideburns...I'm starting to feel like Grandpa Munster.

....and I finished the bag of m&m's at lunch today..... somethin' don't feel right....

.....and yet another reason I hate Walmart....

....and old people scare me......

Why do I insist on doing things I know are wrong? Today....I went to Walmart. WRONG!! I hate Walmart. It is the nastiest store on the face of the earth, except for maybe J&R's grocery over in Haltom City....which smells like old goat cheese when you walk in. So, for some reason I can only attribute to karma...I go to Walmart to get my parents an anniversary card. Why not Target, Walgreens, CVS? Hell, I don't know. (well, I actually do...and it has to do with Gretchen Wilson...so I'd rather not talk about it).

So, with love in my heart, there I am walking up the row in the parking lot (I usually park way out so I can get some exercise on the way in.). Then.... grandma backs up and WHAM!! hits me. No....Not my car....my bodily person. She THEN starts looking around to see what the noise was. It was ME doing a Dukes of Hazzard move across the trunk of you car. Well, stunned....I keep walking toward the store, muttering "Oh My God" over and over again. Then I hear her driving up behind me. My first thought was to run.....run.....run like your hair is on fire. I look back only to see this huge dent across the front of her car.....presumably from her last victim. She pulls up to apologize. I think she was just scared she was going to be sent back to Shady Pines.

THEN I get in the store and some old dude rams me with his shopping cart. AND after he hit me says "excuse YOU." My nostrils flaired, but I kept my composure.

I spy a blue smock that says "How May I Help You?" Protect Me!!!! They're after me! Unplug all the round-a-bout scooters....they'll just run me down!

Ok....jump forward to my next stop...I come walking out of Best Buy and even though I had right of way stopped. I sensed another grandma. And sure enough this one was FLYING along in a mini van. Geez! Close call. If I had stepped one more step, by my calculations, she would still be dragging me under her van.....we'd be passing Garden Ridge about now.

I keep thinking these people have karma to look forward to. But then realize maybe all this was about my karma. What horrific thing have I done to be chased down all day long by the Geritol Brigade?